Don't take anything for granted

I got word just the other day of the death of my childhood friend, Daniel "Killdee" Johnson. 

Daniel's best friend was actually Jimmy Greenway, but they often let me hang around on one of their many adventures.  I have great memories of mud football on the banks of the Tennessee River, possum hunting, and Red Man around a campfire.

Daniel's mom died when we were in the 7th grade and his dad was what we called a "tenant farmer," which mostly meant that he lived and worked on another family's farm.  

Daniel could jump out of the gym, being the first person in our class to dunk (in junior high) but wasn't the basketball star in high school we all thought he could be.  After graduation, he joined the Air Force and spent most of his adult years in North Dakota.   I never saw him again.

I'm getting old enough now that I'm afraid that this is going to happen more and more.   I don't want to get all maudlin but it does make you think about things.  

Like, never miss an opportunity to tell people what they mean to you.  You'll want that moment when it is past.

I know I wish for one more moment with my dad.  I'd ask him "how'd I do, Pops?"  I'd want to talk to him for hours.  "How did I do raising my own kids?"   Maybe "did I make you proud of the man I've become?"

I don't think my dad missed too many opportunities to let me know that he was proud of me, that he loved me. 

I can remember one time in particular when I was getting an award in college.  It really didn't mean much to me but after getting the award, as I was walking back to my seat, I found my dad crying.  Tears were rolling down his cheeks.  This was from a man that didn't return for the 7th grade and instead went to work in the textile mill to support his father-less family.

That award got a whole lot more important to me at that point.  I've never taken anything like that for granted since.

I've heard more than one coach tell their team not to take their season for granted.  At the beginning, it might seem like the season will never end but before you can blink, you're playing your last game.

And the relationships that you make through the shared experiences of being part of a team will remain fond memories throughout your lifetime.

I remember things that happened in football practice that happened 43 years ago.  I remember Dickie Blankenship hitting me when I was a sophomore and trying to decide if the big guys hit like this little guy, maybe this wasn't my sport after all.

I can remember successfully blocking Mike Bivens in practice one day.  "Big Mike" was, by far, our best lineman.  I was pretty sure on that day that football was my sport after all.

I can remember tackling MHS fullback Hal Ferst in a mid-season game.  Playing linebacker, I stepped up into the hole and took him on with my right shoulder, moving my feet like I had been coached.  15 yards downfield, I made the tackle and then got up and looked for my right arm, which I was pretty sure Hal Ferst had taken off at the shoulder.

Shared hardships.  Winning and losing together. Teammates.  Friends.  Memories to last a lifetime.

Joe's Rules

There are a few things that you can pretty much always count on.   Sort of "rules" of the universe.   In my little world, things are simpler.   So I came up with a list of Joe's Rules.

There's no such thing as the "right way" to do everything.   Some things just defy one solution.  And stay away from the person that thinks that they've found the one "true" way.   Instead, embrace the person who is asking all the questions, who is seeking the truth.

 It's hard to mess up bacon.  And shrimp.  I suppose that it's possible but I've really tried and I sure haven't found it. 

Sand.  Ocean.  Sun.  It's really hard to beat that combination.  

There IS such a thing as a dumb question.  Trust me.  I've asked plenty of them.  

There is no wrong time to do the right thing.  OK, so maybe this is a bit of a cliché.  I'll  try to do better. 

Everybody doing it doesn't make it OK for you to do.   I can remember my dad telling me that.  He would usually add that "if everyone was jumping off a cliff, would you jump off too?" Well...maybe.  He probably wouldn't have understood climbing that cliff with a rope and a harness.  Or diving with sharks.   I've done those.

Different can be OK.  A lot times it is the one that takes the different path that figures out a better way, invents things, or makes beautiful music.

Your kids will not suffer from being told "no."  Although I think it was made for grandparents, I would recommend that all young parents go see the movie Parental Guidance.  I am from a generation who was often told "no" and sometimes that was followed by a "because I said so."

We didn't suffer from it and it didn't scar us.   I didn't have self-esteem issues from being told I was wrong--I had self-esteem issues because I had bad hair, very little fashion sense, and liked all the girls that didn't like me. 

Do you think that video game is too violent?  Then why did you buy it?  We couldn't let my son watch "professional" wrestling on TV.  Every time we did, we got broken furniture.   Were his emotional needs neglected from depriving him of that?  Oh, heck no.

My kids didn't get denied much but they did get denied the privilege of watching gratuitous violence. 

Marry your best friend.  I can remember too many girls that just wanted "to be friends."  That's OK.  Be friends with all of them and then pick your mate from among 'em.  When the kids are grown, it sure is nice to be able to hang out all the time with your best friend.  Trust me on that one.

Out-work everybody.  Especially in sports.  You think MHS and AHS have successful football programs because of luck?  No, they outwork most everybody on their schedule.

That doesn't mean that other schools don't work hard.   I guarantee you that Tim Hammontree's Heritage squad will work as hard as anybody out there.   But you've got to have the attitude that on any given day, nobody is going to work harder than you.

Wanna be the "go-to" person on the court or field?  Want to be that person that everyone at work relies on?   Work harder.  Sure, work smarter when you can.  But always, always, always work harder.

Don't accept things because "that's the way it has always been done.”  There is usually a better way.  

Aim high.  Strive for perfection.  You might not quite make it but nobody strives for "average."

"Non-Advice" Advice

It's a new year.  2013.  I suppose a lot of you do "New Year's Resolutions."  I don't.  It's OK if you do the resolution thing once a year but only if you follow through on it.

Oh, I suppose I made a resolution last year but it had nothing to do with the New Year.  I resolved to eat more Benton's Bacon and I've kept that promise. Two pieces of Alan Benton's finest can be found on my plate every Sunday morning.

I do sit back and reflect on things this time of year.  I want to make sure that I am always the kind of man that those around me need for me to be.  I want to make sure I am fulfilling my responsibilities to others.   I want to always be on a path to make a difference in the world around me.

I'm far from perfect.  I have my prejudices (not the typical ones) and I do know that I take things too seriously most of the time.  I have really tried to laugh more.  I'm not real patient and I tend to be too one-way about too many things.

I resolved long ago not to give unsolicited advice but I suppose that this column violates the very being of that resolution.  Not everybody wants or needs  advice, and I have to work hard to remember that.  I guess , though, that when you get to a certain age, people presume that you have a certain level of wisdom and will turn to you. 

Anyway, I do find myself being asked for advice on a regular basis.  The first person to ask me about marital advice was probably Jeff Fuchs, back when I probably didn't have much to offer him.  My advice?  It's never 50-50.   I've repeated that one many times in the years since and it is still very true.   

I remember the advice that I got that a couple should never go to bed angry.  I suppose my wife of 36 years and I tried to do that at one time in our marriage but it resulted in too many really late nights and then one of us saying "fine" (and you know the kind of "fine" I mean) and heading off to bed without anything being resolved.

High school athletes  ask for my advice on a regular basis.  Some of it is personal, things that they can't or won't ask their parents.  I approach those questions cautiously and with the gravity they deserve.

It makes sense that most of the time they want to know about their injury.   After all, that's my job.  Here lately, I've had a couple of football players want to know what I think about college football.  I suppose part of that is experience that they expect I've had with my son, who played a little college football along the way.

Most recently, it was "should I take that scholarship offer (to a smaller school) or take that preferred walk-on offer (at a bigger school)."   I know that there are a lot of successful walk-on stories but please understand that those stories are rare.

My advice is almost always to go to the school that wants you bad enough to offer you a scholarship.   If the big school really thought that you could play for them, they would pay for it.  Too many people, particularly in this part of the country, believe that if you don't play for an SEC school, that it really isn't college football.  That's a mistake.

There's a heck of a lot of great football out there  that is not played in front of thousands of people.   Great traditions and great programs can be found everywhere.   You don't think that Maryville College plays "real" college football?  Go see them play sometime.   It will change your mind.

Keep in mind, college sports are going to be more of a job than high school sports, where you're coached by folks that probably have known you since you were little and who are probably more interested in making sure that you grow up into a responsible adult than winning any given game.

But at the end of the day, it is definitely worth it.   Stick it out past your freshman year (when you WILL want to come home or quit or both) and you will learn skills, develop friendships, and grow as a person more than you ever would have without sports.

Ode to Dr. Barrett

I doubt that he would have remembered me a week after my semester in his class was over.  I should have but never got around to thanking him.  But he changed my life forever.  

Dr. Richard Barrett was an English teacher at the University of Tennessee and I had enrolled in his English Literature class to complete the requirements of my curriculum after two years of college.  Truth be known, I really wasn't that interested in the class, I just knew that I needed it to graduate.

Let me go back a bit.   I started college majoring in Wildlife Management.  I thought that I could find a way to hunt and fish for a living.   Along the way, knee surgery and an encounter with a physical therapist (you may have heard this story before) prompted a change in majors to Physics/Physical Education with the intention of going on to physical therapy school.

The only problem was that I had spent two years "enjoying" college, not really applying myself.  My Grade Point Average was somewhere well south of average and physical therapy was really hard to get into. 

OK, so go back one more step.  My only academic distinction in high school was that I was the football player with the best grades.  I even got a trophy to affirm it (The Paul & Naomi Arp Academic Award).  My high school guidance counselor wanted me to go to trade school.

And English!?!  Well, let's just say that I was not any high school English teacher's favorite student.   I thought (still do) that diagramming sentences was a complete waste of time and that's what I remember most from high school English. 

I've said it here before a couple of times, but I was never NOT going to college.  It just wasn't an option.  I've never understood how my parents taught that lesson so well but they did.

Now back to Dr. Barrett's class.  I show up with a shallow academic history, no real study habits, and a career of underachievement in the classroom.   Athletically, I was OK--I have my high school football coach to thank for that (another story, many times told)--but academics...that was another story altogether.

I don't remember the assignment but I do remember the fear when he asked me to stay after class one day.  He had looked up my transcript and wanted answers to why my work and my grades were so far below my abilities.  He told me I was a huge academic underachiever.   In a nutshell, he challenged me to do better work. 

At that point, no one had ever expressed any confidence in my academic ability.   Nobody had ever really believed in me.

Oh, my mom always told me how smart I was but she also told me to always tell the girls at school that I was the most handsome boy in the school and, well, I knew that wasn't the truth.

And then there was my Junior High principal, Mr. Rothwell who had high hopes for me but I'm pretty sure it was because he was a family friend. 

But this was different.  Somebody, a college professor no less, had seen something in me that I hadn't even seen in myself.   It was a moment..an epiphany...that changed me forever.

I'm pretty sure that I ended up with a B in his class but that may have been my last B in college.   I turned it around academically and, as they say, the rest is history. 

Sometimes all it takes is somebody that believes in you.

Sandy Hook: An American Tragedy

Today I’m going to do what pretty much every socially responsible columnist has done all week:  write about the tragedies at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  If you expect great insight or a list of solutions from me, you might be disappointed.  

As a parent, burying my own kids was (and is) my worst nightmare.   I lived in dread of that call in the middle of the night that there had been a wreck and that, well, you know what can follow after that.

I've got 5 grandchildren and 1 on the way.  The oldest is a 6 year old first graders.  Just like those kids at Sandy Hook.  Something happening to one of them is unfathomable.  It simply cannot happen.  God, please take me instead.

Those teachers and that principal that rushed to help?  HEROES.  So are the law enforcement officers, the EMT’s, and the firemen who rushed in.   The horrors that will inhabit their dreams for the rest of their lives are indescribable. 

I’m really glad today that I don’t have to drop a child off at school tomorrow and the tomorrows after that.  I’m not sure I’m strong enough.  I would want to barricade them at home and keep them there safe forever. 

Columbine. Virginia Tech. Aurora, Colorado.  For the next few months, a lot of people will try and figure out what to do about all these horrible episodes.  I think we all have to expect some changes in our lives.

Could more School Resource Officers (SRO’s) help?  I would think so.  I know I feel safer when they’re on duty.

Greater security in the schools?   My wife worked in a local elementary school for several years and she said that her school was quite secure but if someone wanted in bad enough (as in bad enough to shoot off the locks), they could get in.

More gun control?  I don’t know.   I don’t understand the need for the general public to own assault weapons but it does seem common sense that if you make guns illegal that only criminals will own guns.   I also know that this boy’s mother should never have had enough of an arsenal to take on a small army.  In her home.  Accessible to her mentally ill son.   And her son was most certainly mentally ill.

Improved care for the mentally ill?  Most assuredly.   We have a huge and largely unmet need for mental health services.  Most of our homeless are also mentally ill so we can help two problems at once.

Some have called for quicker and broader institutionalization of the mentally ill.   We currently incarcerate 25% of the world’s population.  Let me put that another way:  In America, we have 5% of the world's population but 25% of those behind locked doors.  I don’t think bars are the answer.

Should our families be more responsible, more accountable?  There is little doubt that this was a dysfunctional family.  Dad was apparently out of the picture and Lanza's brother hadn’t seen him in over 2 years.  

Less violence in our everyday world?  Surely.   What used to be tasteless has become commonplace.   Things that are morbid and downright horrific have become a normal part of culture. Profanity in public has become acceptable.  Too many of us seem to seek the darkness instead of the light.  

What we need are people ready to make tough decisions.  From parents that say no to leaders that leave partisanship at the door.  From people willing to give up individual freedoms to better protect those most vulnerable to reasonable, rational, practical thinking by all of us.

Zeke Koko

If you read the Sports Pages, you probably know the name.   You know that he was an outstanding player for the Alcoa High School football team this year.

 You might recall that his Junior season was ended before it even got started when he tore his ACL in a scrimmage game the week before the 2011 MOC Football Jamboree.

But you probably don’t know much more about Zeke Koko.  I think it’s time to fix that.

 First let me tell you about who he is today.   A tireless worker and an undeniable leader for the AHS football team, Zeke demonstrates heart and desire and all those things that coaches preach and fans expect.

 I can tell you that in the months after surgery last year to repair his damaged ACL, Zeke did everything possible to make sure that his knee was as healthy as possible.  Rehab is never easy and sometimes painful but he never flinched.

Anything and everything that Alcoa Head Athletic Trainer Peggy Bratt and I threw at Zeke, he did with determination rarely seen in any high school athlete.  We demanded a lot of him and he did it all and then asked for more.

So finally his Senior season arrives and Zeke is finally healthy.   Then in week 4, in a game against Greenville High, Zeke tore a ligament in his right thumb.  That forced him to play in a cast until the Monday before the Tornadoes’ quarterfinal playoff game against CAK.

 Do I need to tell you that Zeke hardly missed a beat during all that?  

 If you have the good fortune to meet Zeke today, you will discover a young man that is mature beyond his years with a smile as big as the Montana sky that lights up a room when he walks in.

 A young man that will look you in the eye and give you the firm handshake that too many of his generation seem to lack.    I’ve actually never met his parents but this young man has got to be a testimony to their character and parenting skills.  

 Zeke moved to America from Sudan with his parents at age 2.   In the ensuing years, the family grew to include four younger brothers to Zeke who don’t even have to go past the front door to find a solid role model of their own.  

Good coaches ask their players “what’s next” with the admonition “don’t let this be the best thing you ever do.”  I’m not sure what’s next for Zeke.  He wants to play college football and he deserves that opportunity.    But what I really look forward to seeing is what he does with his life after football.  It’s going to be something special.

Take whatever you have, and give it away...

A buddy of mine tells the story of going fishing with his grandfather when he was young.  They all lived near Mobile Bay and fishing was almost a way of life.

This was my friend's first trip out into the ocean.  At their first stop,  they caught maybe a dozen fish, and then my friend watched in horror as his grandfather chopped up his prize catch into chum.

Grandad had something bigger in mind, bigger fish, that the chum would bring in.  But first, he had to give up something (the small fish), acting on faith that he would be able to catch bigger fish. 

Would it have been better to go on home with the small fish and maybe feed your family or try and catch the big fish and feed your neighbor's family too?

Life is a lot like that.

Do we settle for a decent job because it is a steady income and the benefits are decent or do we work to get the job that truly makes us happy?

Do we settle for a certain relationship because, well, it's the best thing that has come along yet and I'm not getting any younger, or do we wait for that perfect somebody? 

I remember counseling a young employee that was struggling with relationships.    To be honest about it, she had dated a string of what I will call "losers."   I asked her if she wanted to wait on "Mr. Right" or settle for "Mr. Almost-Good-Enough."   She waited and found her dream guy.

Do we settle for "good enough" or do we go for the best?  It's all a risk but if you think back on it, haven't a lot of the good things that have happened to you in your life involved some risk?

You risked asking that cute girl out on a date and now 38 years later, you're still married.   You weren't sure that you could make it through graduate school and you were quite sure you couldn't move half way across the country but you did and you could.

I'm a firm believer that we have to take some risks.

 I am just as firm a believer that you have to give in order to get.

 I didn't always think that way.   I can remember when I was little and it was Christmas and everybody said it was better to give than to receive and I just didn't understand that at all.

Giving of ourselves is the key to both our success and our happiness.   When you get to the point in a relationship when it seems better for you to do something for your significant other than it is for them to do something for you, it is magic. 

Try this:   Do something nice for somebody else in a way that they don't know who did it.  And then resist the urge to tell them.   Now think of it from their perspective:  Someone thought enough of me to do something nice but didn't want the credit.  How special is that?

There is a gospel song that I really like that includes the line "if you want more lovin' than your heart can hold, if you want to stand taller if the truth were told,  take whatever your have and give it away."

I like that.