Gym Stereotypes

Before you jump to the conclusion that this may be about you, let me tell you that the character I'm describing today is not one person but a composite of several.   (But if it hits too close to home...well...maybe you ought to think about it for a minute.)

OK, your New Year's Resolution (NYR) was to finally get fit.  So you joined the gym.  But really, I probably shouldn't get used to seeing you around.  Statistics tell us that 80% those that join a gym based on their NYR will be gone in 4 months or less. 60% will be gone by mid-February.

So here you are.  And it appears you asked for workout gear for Christmas because everything looks brand new.  But man, you look pretty ridiculous in those Lululemon Yoga pants that may seem to come in men's sizes but were most assuredly not meant for guys.  Especially not for guys that need to lose 35 pounds.

And the high tech shirt that you cut the sleeves out for goodness knows whatever reason--you don't yet have the arms for that one although I did catch you flexing your biceps just now.  Was it for that cute girl on the elliptical machine?  Oh my goodness, I thought for a moment you were going to lean over and kiss it (your biceps, I mean).

But before you actually get started with anything, you've got to make sure that you have your tunes on.  The arm holder and the neon ear buds take a good 10 minutes to adjust just right and then you sit looking at what I can only imagine is a hundred different workout playlists--at least it seems that way because you flip through them for another 10 minutes.

So the first thing you do is to rack up a bunch of weight on an Olympic platform but never really get around to lifting it.  Just when you think people are not looking, you move over to another weight.

And there you are.  Standing there looking at a weight, staring at it really.  I can't help but think of that guy on late night TV that used to bend things without touching them before a live audience. Wasn't he The Amazing Carnac? He would just look at a fork or spoon and they would start to bend. You had that same look in your eyes so I half expected the bar to start bending merely from your stare.

Once you got around to actually lifting a weight, you screamed/grunted so that everybody within a quarter mile radius could hear you and notice that surely you just lifted a monumental amount of weight or even did a PR or something like that.

Oh and then after you did pick the bar up, you immediately dropped it, I guess because you saw that on TV. And then you picked it up again and dropped it again. Don't you know that lowering that weight to the floor will help give you better strength than dropping it ever could?

I bet you've got a set of dumbbells by your bed at home because...well..everybody knows it's "curls for girls."  In a random study, I didn't find a single female who listed big biceps as the physical trait they most admire in the male species--didn't even make the top 10.

Oh, and you really didn't do a very good job of fake-hiding your supplement stash.  I guess my first clue to that was when you took it out of your cavernous gym bag and put it on the gym's front desk. 

What's that?  You want some advice about how to get fit?  Really?  And you're willing to put in the time and the effort?  And listen when the professionals set up a program that seems completely different from everything you ever heard?

Wow.  There's hope for you yet?  But dude, forget the Lululemons.